Attacked

Well, I’m well into my grieving process now. She still doesn’t want to talk to me. But what I fully realise now, is that I have definitely fallen in love with her. And I put my heart on my sleeve, and she took my thought processes and took it as an attack on her.

I thought she knew me better than that.

And now I can’t stop thinking. Any distraction I try, it always goes back to her and the situation I now find myself in.

She still doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m dying, but I need to respect her wishes.

Priorities

This is a continuation from my “How do people move on?” Post or whatever it’s called.

The thing about prioritising with my level of anxiety right now, is that, you know when things have to be done, people you have to see, deadlines you have to meet, classes you have to go to.

But you can’t. Cause you’re reduced to a fetal position, on the ground, in the cold. All alone. Nobody knows what you’re going through, not really. Some people know the feeling a tiny bit because they’ve suffered/suffering from anxiety, but in all truthfulness, only you know what you’re going through, and only you can take yourself out. Which is bullshit and tough as balls.

The only way to try and get out of that panic attack, is to try and work out the source. And yesterday, I had a full-blown panic attack that left me hyperventilating and rolling on the floor in agony.

I couldn’t breathe, I literally couldn’t think up words to make a coherent sentence. Clouds of interference and anxiety filled my brain and it hurt. The anxiety attack lasted probably an hour and a half, maybe two, before I fell asleep from exhaustion.

My mother couldn’t really do anything other than helping me out with some of the things that was freaking me the fuck out, some Uni stuff that I had realised I left till the last minute, cause let’s face it, I haven’t been in the right frame of mind for the last couple of months.

I’m surprised I’m still able to lead a group of boys without fucking their spiritual journeys up yet. I guess my compartmentalism when it comes to my boys haven’t deteriorated completely yet.

And sort of like yesterday, it seems that my anxiety wants a round 2, but at least this time, I’m still sitting in a chair, and my brain is still coherent enough to write this.

I want to talk to my best friend. But I’m scared that I might let go of information that I have no right to tell other people. It would hurt and change dynamics of some of the most important people in my life right now.

And I want to talk to her. I want to be with her. But she has her own priorities. Her own things that need to be done. People she has to see, etc. And I mean, since she’s the busier one, it’s up to her schedule if she wants to see me. If she’s free enough.

And look at me. I’m probably more trouble than I’m worth.

My counsellor gave me a sheet to fill in by the time I go to the next appointment – which is tomorrow. On the sheet is a list of questions like “what do you think others see in you?” And “what are your talents? No matter how modest?”

I’m seriously struggling to even be alive and I need to deal with that. I guess I can just answer everything with “I think/they think I’m funny.”

I have now even lost motivation to write my thoughts down on this vent blog to try and make sense of it all.

Someone help me.

Burdened

Today I started off normal. I did the 7 minute workout challenge for today. It hurt. But it was ok. Manageable. I then decided that it would be very productive to try and look for work.

That was bad. Every job offer I looked required something that made me anxious, like being friendly to strangers, experience, etc.

And I’m here, struggling to make a coherent line of thought and I’m just overwhelmed. Thoughts of the future started flooding into my head of how I will be a burden for everyone that knows me because I wouldn’t get youth allowance if my studies are stopped and I won’t have an income because I won’t be able to get a job.

I want the people closest to me to be proud of me. But everywhere I look, there’s people studying to get to their dream jobs – and they’re gonna be good at it, there’s people who are already working in the industry that they want.

And then there are people who are surviving so much better than me. At least they can leave the house.

So I had a major panic attack. I crumpled down onto the floor in front of the fire and hyperventilated a bit. Facial liquids everywhere and I couldn’t control my vocal chords at all.

And I tried to fold myself in on myself till I disappeared.

That didn’t work.

Now, I’ve calmed down a bit, I guess. I still can’t shake off that feeling that I’m useless.

And the last thing I want to be is a burden to her. That can happen when you see someone too much, right?

I feel sick.

How Do People Move On With Their Lives?

I realise that not everybody is freaking the fuck out about everything like I have been this past week, but they deal with their own stress and live on with their lives. Because I can’t. Everything just revolves back to Monday night, and the struggle continues. The only break I had from my anxiety was when I was watching a play people I know was a part of called “The 39 Steps”. It was hilarious. But that’s not manageable on a long-term basis. I mean, it costs money and it’s in Brunswick.

I see people around me – I see her – continue living. While I’m just here, paralysed by my conflicting thoughts. I want one thing, but I believe another thing. How do people move on with their lives? While I sit here, all by myself, doing everything I could to just not vomit because of extreme anxiety?